Courage
by MyTwiDreams
Summary: Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow - just a little story about first love, a second chance and being true to your own heart/ AH/Slash/
1. Chapter 1

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer.

[A/N] I'm a lesbian who is trying to write boy-slash, what is kind of weird somehow. But that's the magic of fan fiction combined with the evil plot bunnies in my head. I had so much fun, writing this little piece of slash loving here, that it actually turned out the longest one-shot I have ever written so far. Hope, some of you enjoy reading it a bit as well.

****Courage****

Today his hair is tamed with some sort of gel and not a single wisp of his coppery mess is falling down his forehead like it usually does. I love to run my fingers through it while he's still asleep. I love the little groans that keep falling from his mouth when he notices it. He likes me touching his hair a lot. It helps him to relax and that's something Edward never has been very good at.

The cream colored tie around his neck turns my attention to his bobbing Adam's apple and I know exactly how the skin right underneath it tastes like upon my tongue.

_Salty and slightly tart…_

The tux he's dressed in today is the same his birth father wore when he married his mother and him wearing it proves what kind of a romantic my Beloved truly is.

Daffodils, my favorite flowers, are decorated all over the small church building he has chosen for the ceremony.

There's a single traitorous tear glistening in his eyes and I want so badly to wipe it away with a tender kiss. My Edward doesn't cry. He never does because he thinks it unmanly or some crap like that.

In all the years that I've known him, he has exactly cried two times.

The first time was after the first real kiss the two of us shared and he got pissed at me for making him all confused in the head. I had known I was gay since I was thirteen and because my family was always very supporting about my orientation I never really had to live through the inner torture of fear that he went through every day since we crossed the line between friendship and love.

Second time was when his Dad died after losing the fight with lung cancer.

Edward's family is rather conservative. His mother is very active in their church community and his stepfather obviously seems to think that gay men lurk around school yards to seduce little boys. Fucked up, homophobic asshole.

The deep melodic voice of my green-eyed Lover forms the ancient promises that have been used as marriage vows by millions of couples before and somehow they still haven't lost one tiny bit of their magic.

"I, Edward Anthony Masen, promise to love you, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live."

His full lower lip curves upwards into a half smile when he finishes and picks up the plain golden ring from the little silk pillow.

This moment is exactly like I always imagined it to be like. It's simply breathtaking and I swallow hard to hold back the tears.

I wouldn't want to explain them to any of the wedding guests. I couldn't explain them to them.

Everything is perfect apart from one thing—

The person standing in front of Edward, the person on which hand he's shoving down the ring right now, the person who's the luckiest person in the whole goddamn world…

_That person is not me._

I feel my chest tightening painfully around my heart until I can't breathe anymore and my soul crumbles into countless shards while I can't manage to look away from the man I love, from the man that loves me back, that much I know, whether he wants to admit it to the rest of the world or not.

It's enough that he confessed it to me, over and over again. I will always have that. No one can take that away from me.

Mechanically I shake his hand after the ceremony, and his fingers close around mine for a split second too long. The green of his eyes is foggy, almost lifeless but nobody apart from me is going to notice it, I'm sure about that. Maybe because no one knows Edward like I do.

The pretty brunette who is now carrying the name Isabella Marie Masen blushes when I make a compliment on her ivory colored gown.

Watching them dance slowly to the melody of _Fly me to the Moon_, I gulp down two glasses of the crisp champagne, knowing that I will need something way stronger to make it halfway through the rest of the night.

Outside it is raining and my suit is soaked before I manage to reach my car. There is a bottle of Single Malt whisky in the glove box and I pull it out, taking a greedy sip while holding it between my trembling hands.

It was done

We were over

I had lost him

Gulping down the bitter liquid I lean back against the cold leather, caressing the seat next to me with my fingertips.

The fucking car holds way too many memories for me. And by memories I mean memories of _him_.

How his hand moved over the bulge in my jeans for the first time.

How my tongue swirled over the throbbing head of his cock while he drove through the nightly streets of Seattle.

How the windows got steamed from our love-making on the back seat.

Turning on the engine the familiar sound of piano music starts playing and I remember how he used to play for me for hours when we were at his place.

Music helps him to express his feelings when his words are not enough. Maybe that's why he liked playing for me this much.

A few minutes later I find myself on an empty parking lot behind a supermarket. Stepping out of the car, I pour the rest of the whisky over the seats and fumble for the silver lighter in my trousers.

After lighting up a cigarette, I inhale deeply through my parted lips. If Edward could see me now, he'd be so mad. He hates smoking more than anything.

_Why should I care what he thinks?_

Throwing the gleaming cigarette butt onto the passenger's seat I turn around and walk away.

I am numb, inside and outside.

I am broken, in every way a person can be broken.

I am dead although I'm still alive.

For the first time in my twenty-two years I believe that a heart can actually be broken.

Just another first I owe to Edward Masen, like I needed that after all the others.

He has been with me during all my important firsts.

My mother, Rosie and I moved to Seattle after she and Dad got divorced. At that time I was nine, a shy chubby boy with the thickest southern accent between here and Dallas.

The Masen family lived right across the street and after watching Edward racing down the street on his bike I desperately wanted to emulate him.

My attempt to impress him with my free-handed style made me end up in the local E.R. where they had to fix my knee with twenty stitches. I whimpered and cried after my mother but Edward shook my shoulders to stop me.

"Damn it, you can't weep like a stupid girl. Suck it in like a man, if that's what you are."

"But it hurts." I croaked out, wiping the snot from my running nose with the back of my hand.

"If you cry it doesn't make it hurt less." He explained, giving me my very first lesson on how a man was supposed to act.

My drunkard of a father never really was sober enough to teach me the important things in life. But for that I had Edward.

He was four years older than me, a tall, lanky teenager with constantly un-brushed hair and huge, questioning looking green eyes.

Edward didn't have many friends his age, always being way more interested in playing the piano or sticking his nose into a book instead of doing sports. Later I found out that he only refused to join the Baseball team of our local High School because the thought of having to shower in front of a dozen other boys seemed horrible to him. How in heaven's name was be going to explain his traitorous hard-on to them?

Speaking of hard-on's in the most embarrassing situations, I sure was a victim of that. As soon as I entered puberty the little, or well maybe not so little any more, fucker sprang to life at the most inappropriate situations.

During a church ceremony

While I was grocery shopping with my Mom

Most of all though when a good looking guy passed me by on the street and I couldn't manage to keep my view from his crotch or his backside.

My erection was constantly throbbing against my pants but there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do about that. Was there?

One night while Edward was hanging out at my place and we were watching Spartacus on the new flat screen in our living room, my dick stirred in my pants as Edward's thigh brushed against my knee.

Quickly, I tried to hide it by grabbing a pillow next to and placing it on the impressive bulge in my jeans.

"What are you doing there?" he asked me, raising one eyebrow.

My face flamed and I stuttered out some sort of lame apology, attempting to force my hard cock down by pressing my hand against my crotch. It wasn't helping the situation one tiny bit.

"I'm sorry, but I can't control that."

"You need to take care of it. Are you jacking off regularly?"

"What? No, I've never done that. I don't know how to."

He grabbed my arm and pulled me upwards into our tiny bathroom, pulling the bottle with baby oil out of the shelf.

"Here, you should use a bit of that while you are touching yourself, helps everything to glide more smoothly."

"Edward, I can't do that."

"What the fuck. Are you stupid? Every guy is doing that. It's not that difficult."

I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and after a moment of hesitation I fumbled the fly of my jeans open, freeing my erection.

"I'll give you some privacy." he murmured, licking his lower lip and seeing him do that made my cock twitch against my fingers. I wanted him to stay and watch me. I wanted him to show me how to pleasure myself.

"Use the baby oil," he whispered, standing up to close the door behind him, giving me a last glimpse of his deliciously tempting backside.

Waiting for his steps on the wooden stairs I squeezed a bit of the oil on my palm and started rubbing it down my entire shaft.

Fuck that felt so good…

A groan left my throat and the next thing I heard was the husky sound of Edward's voice speaking through the door.

"See, I told you it's not that difficult. Run your thumb over the head, and then move your hand back down again to the base."

I did as he told me and all the while I was palming my painfully hard cock I imagined my hand being his. It was such a turn on.

"Now cup your balls in your other hand, massage them between your fingers, gently."

His voice came out in raspy breaths as I kept stroking myself, picturing his face in front of me, his full lips curling into that one-dimpled smile.

With a stiffened moan of his name I came all over my hand, the spasms rocking through my body making my knees weak underneath me.

Afterwards we sat silently next to each other on the couch, as far away from each other as possible and watched the end of the film. He was embarrassed, ashamed almost and I was more confused than ever before in my life.

It was then I realized I was gay. At least I was gay for Edward.

Two days later he had a girlfriend. An alibi girlfriend, that much I was instantly sure of. He had told me over and over again how much Tanya Denali's Russian accent got on his nerves. She on the other hand was thrilled that she had finally managed to catch his attention and the two of them walked around the School holding hands and throwing silly kisses at each other.

The whole farce lasted for three, endless seeming months. Then he broke it off with her, declaring that he needed to concentrate on School and not pussies if he wanted to keep up his good grades.

It was a ridiculous excuse. Edward is one of the few blessed people that manage to make it through School without ever having to study at all. He's smart and yet he's so terribly stupid at the very same time.

Still, I was so incredibly happy that he wasn't dating Tanya anymore and our friendship returned to the pre-jack-off lesson incident.

We went to the movies together, where I fought the urge to place my hand on his knee in the safety of the darkness. He played the piano for me, impressing me with some songs he had actually managed to compose on his own. I talked him into taking hiking trips whenever the ever rainy sky above the Olympic Peninsula decided to light up a little bit, enjoying how he snuggled against me from behind when we were freezing our asses of in the tiny tent we spent the nights in during our trips.

The years passed and I came out to my mother and my sis, who both assured me that it didn't matter to them at all as long as I was happy with it. But the fact was I wasn't happy. I was tensed and moody, almost losing my patience with Edward who kept on making one step forward and two backwards, giving me hope and destroying it within the blink of an eye.

He broke McCarty's nose when the grinning moron dared to call me a little faggot in front of the entire school, causing Edward the first and only week of detention during his entire High School time.

When I went to his house that night, he seemed pissed at me, keeping his attention focused on a copy of Moby Dick while I sat down in front of his bed, crossing my legs underneath me.

"Aren't you going to talk to me? Look, I came here to thank for defe…,"

"Keep your mouth shut, Whitlock. Just for once, keep that big mouth of yours closed!"

"Why are you so angry at me now?"

"Because it's making me livid how you have to shove it into everyone's face WHAT you are. It seems like you are proud that the thought of sucking another man's cock turns you on. I hate that! I hate that so much and most of all I hate the way you make me feel when I look at you."

My hands fisted into the tousled hair on his head, realizing for the first time how soft it felt and then, barely a heartbeat later his mouth on mine was even softer.

The kiss was greedily, our teeth and tongues teasing each other in a frenzy, lips being sucked and licked while my heart throbbed joyfully in my chest. When the tip of his tongue grazed the inside of my mouth I almost came in my pants like the virgin loser I was.

Eventually he pulled back, turning his head to the side to bury it against the pillows on his bed. Several, suppressed dry sobs left his throat before his entire body started trembling under his sobbing.

"Edward, it's ok." I whispered, stroking up and down his back with my hands, unsure if he would let me hold him now. He seemed so vulnerable to me in that moment and somehow that made me love him even more.

"It's going to be ok. Please, try to calm down."

"No, it's not." he sniffed, raising his head up from the pillow again. His green eyes were reddened and his face flushed, not that it lessened the beauty of his face to me.

I pulled him against my chest, feeling a shiver run through me when his lips kissed the small stripe of exposed skin on my throat.

"I wished I was dead. I wished I wouldn't like you the way I like you. Jazz, I can't be gay. I just can't."

He was scared and while I was holding him, I nuzzled my nose against his hairline, inhaling his scent before I whispered the words that were going to become sort of a mantra for the rest of our relationship.

"It can be our secret."

Keeping my feelings for Edward hidden from the rest of the world was difficult for me. It was hard not to kiss him in the middle of the street whenever I felt like it. Unbearable to listen to his made-up stories about girl he had nailed.

Worst thing though was that it made me feel like a fucking hypocrite. I was openly gay and yet I was so irrevocably in love with someone who was ashamed of being the way he was. In an attempt to help others I even started a Coming Out Group at School that was immediately joined by a bunch of people.

Edward though, never dared to set as much as one toe inside our meetings on Wednesday afternoon. But when he picked me up after them to grab some Burgers or a Pizza he almost couldn't suppress the jealousy.

Without sounding smug, I am quite a good looking guy. My baby fat had vanished with the help of swim lessons and nightly runs, leaving behind nothing but solid, lean muscles. Together with my honey-blond curls and my deep blue eyes I managed to attract several guys.

Most of them were nice, but the thing was they weren't Edward and he was the only one I wanted. Maybe because I was a secret masochist for my life could have been a whole lot easier if I hadn't set my heart on him who didn't even dare to take my hand while we were strolling through the mall.

It was always Edward and his gay friend, never Edward and his boyfriend when we were out in public.

The times we were alone though were magical, earthshattering even. He was so hungry for my touch, his lips almost constantly on my bare skin, his fingers running down my chest, slipping underneath my shirt to caress the rippled muscles on my abdomen.

Then, very slowly he pulled down my sweats, his eyes never leaving mine as he wrapped his long, slim fingers around the base of my cock. Leaning forward he swirled the tip of his rosy tongue over its head, licking up the tiny drops of pre-cum from the slit. The feeling was so overwhelming that my balls tightened against my body. He started sucking me into the hot wetness of his mouth and I tumbled into the sweetest oblivion possible.

Trying to take me deeper, he gagged around my cock, pulled back all the way to run his tongue down my entire length, down to my sensitive balls to suckle them gently.

As he turned his attention back to my shaft, I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall behind my bed. Incredible waves of lust prickled through my veins as my throbbing cock twitched inside his mouth.

"Fuck, I'm coming. I can't hold it back…oh fuck…oh fuck."

My orgasm rushed through my body, sending several spurts of semen down his throat. The look on his face as he swallowed all of me almost brought me over the edge again.

He kissed my softening cock for a last time before he cuddled against my side.

"Your face is not from this world when you climax. God, I love you so much." he whispered breathlessly into my ear.

Sadly, our love was not for this world. Our love was something that was only allowed to blossom in the familiar security of our rooms. Here, where it was just the two us, he was truly mine.

We made plans, drawing red circles around cities on the map hanging in his bedroom, marking all the places we wanted to see.

_Paris_

_Rom_

_Amsterdam_

I set my hopes on a year-long trip all over Europe after I'd manage to finish my High School Diploma but then the doctors found cancer in Edward's father's lungs and the next following years were overshadowed by chemotherapies and countless other attempts to get the condition under control.

It wasn't helping and the once proud navy Officer spent the last weeks of his life wearing an oxygen mask over his face, coughing blood and God knows what kind of stuff.

Edward was alone with him when he died and afterwards, after mechanically calling the funeral home and taking care of his hysterical mother, he collapsed in my arms. I held him, rubbing his back while he sobbed against my shoulder until he was completely exhausted.

"I need to drop out of College." he explained, standing up from the couch the two of us had been sitting on.

"Mom can't pay back the credit for all the hospital bills on her own. I have to support her as well as I can."

I nodded my head, knowing how hard that decision must have been for him. It was his dream to become an architect, to design houses that would turn into homes. Giving that up for a rather poorly paid job in a bank wasn't really a tempting alternative for that. But life is life and sometimes it just sucks.

He started the job two months after his father's funeral and although he never openly complained to me, it was obvious that he was unhappy. The job he had held no place for creativity and cutting that off from Edward was like keeping a bird inside a too narrow cage.

His mother re-married within the first year of her husband's death and Edward didn't get along with him at all.

Sometimes, I guessed, that Marcus had figured out was going on between me and his stepson because he started making some comments, asking which of us was the girl and crap like that. It made Edward panic secretly.

Then, one foggy November night came the time when he finally dared to spill the truth to me.

"I'm going to marry the Swan girl."

"You are going to do what?" I asked, my voice nothing but a shrill scream.

"Look, you know how I feel about you, Jazz. But…we…we can't go on like that forever. I want to have a family. I want to make my father proud."

"I bet your father would be so proud knowing his son is a goddamn coward who prefers running away from his true self."

I grabbed his shoulders so tightly that my knuckles turned white under the skin.

"You said you love me."

"I do. God, Jazz. Please you have to understand. I want to do the right thing. Bella is a nice girl, the two us of will get along fine."

"I hope your dick falls off the moment you stick it inside her slimy pussy. Now, piss off and try to get happy living your shitty, little heterosexual happily ever after. I'm done with dealing with this crap."

With that I left his house, locking myself inside my room, only leaving it to take a piss or to grab some cold Pop tarts and Coke from the kitchen. It went on like that for about three days until I managed to compose myself enough to re-build the façade of faked happiness around me.

I agreed on being Edward's best man, hired a busty red-haired stripper called Vic for his stag party and even let myself sink so low as to fuck around without protection with some Mexican guy I met in a bar.

So, what if I died of Aids? Who was going to give a shit about that?

The sharp, biting scent of burning plastic and metal brings me back to the presence. I turn around and watch my car burn down in front of my eyes, wishing I could burn down my emotions as well.

Way too early on the next morning I pack my entire stuff into two suit cases, explain to Mom that I need some change of air and head for SEA TAC, taking the first flight to the East Coast that I can catch.

In Boston I get a cheap hotel room and my days consist mostly of drinking cheap beer and whisky and munching down the greasy Chinese takeaway from the Restaurant around the corner.

I think about killing myself and even manage to buy some razorblades but when I lie in the bathtub and press the metal against my wrist I am too chicken to cut down.

Or maybe it hasn't got to do with being afraid of dying, for I'm not. The thing is I want to live.

_I don't want to live with the pain inside of me._

After a few month of drinking myself daily into an almost delirium I end up in the hospital in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps and fever.

The young, spikey-haired nurse who takes care of me is kind. She sits down on the edge of my bed, checking the temperature and for some reason I find myself opening up to her. I don't know why it is so easy to talk to her, maybe she just has been there in the right moment but for the first time in a very long time I actually feel a glimpse of hope.

Alice becomes my angel. She helps me to stay sober and convinces me to attend a few AA meetings. She makes me laugh when she rolls her eyes at me after seeing the mess in my hotel room, calling it a paradise for rats and cockroaches.

I move out and stay at her place for a while, sharing my room with her impressive shoe collection. Alice doesn't have a TV; she has no money to pay the cable bills anyway because most of her wage ends up in another pair of heels.

Maybe she should have gotten a job in a shoe shop instead of working night shifts in the E. R.?

But it is mainly because of her that I find myself in Med School half a year later. Her joy in helping others fascinates me and after biting myself through the difficult tests, I start to enjoy my studies. They keep my mind focused and occupied.

Alice sets up a few dates for me but her taste in gay men is just horrible. Not wanting to risk any more of her attempts to pair me off with someone I start a loosely flirt with one of the guys in my gym.

I like Seth mostly because he's the absolute opposite of _him_; Small, tanned and very relaxed about his sexual orientation.

A month after our first date he introduces me to his mother and Sue closes me in her heart like a second son. His sister is an embittered bitch though. I try to ignore her as much as I can.

The next years seem to pass in a flash and although Seth and I break up eventually when I realize that my feelings for him are just not strong enough, we still remain close friends.

I decide to specialize in Pediatrics simply because I like kids and spending time with them brings me happiness. I like that kids aren't as two-faced as many adult are.

My very first shift at the Presbyterian hospital is almost done when an ambulance brings in a little boy who is bleeding severely out of a wound in his forehead. Putting on a fresh pair of gloves I grab a bottle with disinfectant and pour a bit on a piece of cotton batting.

"Turn your head to me." I whisper, lifting the blood soaked cloth form his forehead.

It is then I cringe back for the first time in my young medical career and it's definitely not because I'm horrified by the laceration that is running down his entire forehead to his left eyebrow.

What makes every cell in my body freeze and burn simultaneously is that the tear-filled pair of little green eyes that stars back at me looks exactly like Edward's.

"Dr. Whitlock, is there a problem?" A nurse asks me and I take a deep breath, assuring her that everything is pretty fine.

"My head hurts. My head hurts so much." he starts sobbing, warm tears falling down his cheekbones.

"I will make it better. We'll stitch up your wound and if you are lucky you get a cool scar like a pirate."

"Really?"

"I'm a doctor, so I must know the truth. How did you hurt your head?"

"I climbed up the drip rail on Miss Emily's house while she was baking in the kitchen and fell down. She's pretty angry at me now."

"I think she's probably just scared that you hurt yourself. Now take a deep breathe because this is going to burn."

"Ouch! Ouch! Oh, it stings so much, so much."

He keeps whimpering and crying until I'm eventually finished stitching up his forehead.

"So, it's already done." I state, placing a band aid over the wound to keep it from getting infected.

"Please, don't tell my Daddy that I cried."

"I won't."

I'm not too keen on meeting your daddy again anyway. Thinking of that, I notice the missing of a completely hysterical mother in the E. R. Haven't they called her yet?

"Your mommy is going to be here soon." I tell the little one who is wiping his running nose on the fabric of his shirt until I hand him a tissue.

"Blow. Yes, just like that. Your mommy is going to pick you up and then you need to lie down and rest a bit. No more climbing up anything in the next weeks."

"Kay, Doc. But my Mommy can't come here to pick me up and my Daddy is still at work."

"Riley! My God, Riley, why do you always have to do such stupid things?"

Edward's voice is a strange mixture between anger and alleviation with the second clearly dominating the first one. He hugs his son tightly and pales a bit around the nose when he notices all the blood.

I drink him in like an alcoholic starring at a bottle of the finest cognac. He is still so very handsome, the grey of his suit brings out the different shades of red in his hair and his gorgeous face makes my insides turn into a wobbly mass of warmed up feelings.

Our eyes meet and none of us speaks for a very long time until eventually Riley breaks the silence.

"The doctor said I'm going to have a pirate scar. Isn't that cool, Daddy?"

"It would be way cooler if you would learn not to hurt yourself doing stupid, dangerous things. Miss Emily is not going to watch you any longer because you cause her too much trouble. Now, who is going to babysit you while I'm at work?"

"I'm sorry, Daddy."

"I hope so. You need to start acting like a big boy and not like a baby that doesn't know what's right or wrong."

"Yes, Daddy,"

"Fine," he murmurs, running his fingers over the blood crusted brown hair on Riley's head. "I'm glad that nothing worse happened to you."

Then he stands up from his knees and clears his throat before he turns directly to me.

"He doesn't have a concussion, does he?"

"I don't think so but you should pay attention to whether he gets disorientated or sick. Then you or Bella should bring him back to the hospital to check on him."

"Bella is in Vancouver with her new husband."

"The two of you are divorced?" I croak out, unable to suppress the sublime tone of satisfaction in my voice.

He nods his head, rubbing his eyes nervously and I can see his Adam's apple move when he swallows hard before speaking up.

"It's a long story. Do you want to have coffee some time? We could talk about old times and stuff like that."

Sit there and slurp down some Grande Americano at Starbucks and talk? Talk about what Edward Masen? How your wife left your sorry ass? How you broke my heart? Maybe we should have some Blueberry muffins with that, regular ones preferably, not the low-fat crap that Alice always orders when I go there with her.

He's such a moron.

"Please, Jazz." he whispers, fumbling a tiny calling card out of his wallet. "I just want to talk."

I nod my head and find the muscles in my face too stiff for granting him the smallest hint of a smile. He sighs deeply and lifts the little one up, carrying him on his hip when he walks out of the room and probably out of my life again.

It doesn't happen. Next morning when I show up in the hospital after barely having caught a handful of sleep there is a basket with candy and wine on my desk, decorated with a card, written full with several lines in Edward's crawly handwriting.

_Jazz,_

_Thanks again for stitching up my boy. Riley speaks very highly of you. I hope you'll call and please, don't think that I don't know how much I'd deserve your rejection. I fucked up, badly. I fucked up more than a single person should be capable of fucking up. I know, I hurt you and by doing that I hurt myself. Not that it matters a thing. I deserve all the pain I already felt and the ones to come._

_Because no matter where I go or what I'll do. I'm always yours, always. Nothing can change that._

_Edward_

I re-read the letter four times before I rip it apart into a dozen of small stripes and throw it away into the trash under my desk. The tears come and I don't have the strength to hold them back. So, I sit in my office, glad that nobody is paging me and wait for my nerves to calm down again.

I am torn. Part of me wants to shove it into his face that he needs to fuck off. Other part of me wants nothing more than to run to him and never let him go.

I'm still in love with him and I don't want to be because of all the crap he's pulled. But he's it for me and it's only the unendurable fear of getting hurt again that keeps me from dialing the number on the little card that's still in my lap coat.

Alice enters my office. I know it's her without raising my head because she's the only one who never considers knocking on the door before rushing in.

"Jasper, can you…Shit, what's wrong with you? Has somebody died on your watch or something?"

I sniff and take several deep breaths before I stand up again.

"It doesn't matter. He shouldn't matter anymore. I should be over him. I want to be over him so badly."

Very gently she places a dainty hand on my cheek and rubs away the rest of my tears.

"It's him, isn't it? _The Asshole_ showed his face again, and seeing him has ripped open all the old wounds."

Alice knows everything about Edward and her dislike for him knows no boundaries. I lean back against my desk while she sits down on it and wraps the foil from the basket.

"Can I have some of the caramel toffees? I'm starving."

"Take the entire thing. I have no use for it."

"Thanks." she murmurs, stuffing a piece of brown candy between her burgundy colored lips.

"Do you want to talk? Where did you see him? In a club?"

"His son," I make a pause and take a sip from the awful lukewarm water on my desk. "His son was here for a stitching job yesterday and guess who was the lucky fucker of a doctor who got to treat him?"

"You are shitting me, aren't you? Damn it, I take one lousy day off in weeks and bump…exactly that's when finally something exciting happens here."

"Oh Alice,"

"Was he here with his wife? Does the poor thing even know that her hubby swings both ways? I bet she doesn't."

"It doesn't matter what she knows or doesn't know. They are divorced."

"Hmm, that's interesting."

"He wants to see me again. I don't know what to do."

She takes another praline from the basket and wraps off the silvery foil.

"Do you still love him?"

I barely nod my head. "Yes," I whisper, "I love him…still."

"Well, then it's an easy decision. You _need_ to see him."

During the entire shift Alice doesn't leave me alone for a minute, trying to convince me into calling him.

"If you don't call him, I will. Be sure, that I don't have anything nice to say to that _Asshole_."

"Edward, his name is Edward."

"Kay, Edward-Asshole-who-broke your heart-and-gives yummy pralines as presents, I'll stick to _Asshole_."

When I return home to my apartment I step under the shower, letting the hot water wash over my tensed body. My cock stirs up and I grab the bottle of baby oil, rubbing it fiercely all over my length before I cup my fist around its head. I think of him, like I always do when I'm touching myself and with a last final tug on my balls I come against the glass wall of the shower. After rinsing off the results of my climax I wrap a towel around me and run my fingers through my damp hair.

Then I sit down on the edge of my couch and take the phone into my trembling hand. I dial the number, delete and re-dial again several times before I eventually manage to make it to the dial tone. It rings, once, twice, a third time before a light voice picks up.

"Hi there, we don't want to buy anything."

"Hello Riley. Is your Dad anywhere around?"

I can hear him in the background, telling the boy not to pick up the phone again and a moment later he's on the line.

"I'm sorry, I told him not to play with the phone."

"It's fine, Edward. No harm done."

"Jazz! Oh God, I'm so happy that you called…I…I…be right back…just wait a moment."

He talks to the little one again and eventually the Intro Music of Sponge Bob reaches my ear before he's back again.

"I'm sorry, had to distract the kid somehow."

"By parking him in front of the TV?" I ask teasingly.

"Just for the record, the only people, that think parking kids in front of the TV is a bad habit, are people that don't have kids themselves."

"I don't know."

"But I do. God, I've missed you so much, so very much and I'm so beyond sorry."

"I missed you too, more than you deserve it. Are you free tomorrow night, so that we can have coffee after my shift?"

My hands are sweating when I enter the coffee shop the next evening. He's already there, waiting and looking incredibly gorgeous in his nervousness.

The light blue shirt he's wearing is unbuttoned at the top exposing the hollow of his throat. I want nothing more than to kiss him there. Kiss him hard and mark him irrevocably as mine.

Sitting down I wait for the waitress to return with our order. Edward has tea instead of coffee. Maybe he thinks that's better for his nerves.

"I'm glad you actually came. I was so worried about that."

"I was not sure…but…well; I said the truth when I told you I missed you."

He nods his head and reaches out for the sugar, dropping two pieces of it into his drink before he sips carefully on the hot liquid.

"I missed you so much and now that you are here, I kind of don't know what to say. I don't know where to start."

I stir around in my coffee and notice the edges of a tattoo on his right forearm. When he feels my eyes on it he pulls up his sleeve and turns his arm around so that I can take a proper look at the blue inked words.

**~Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow~**

"Nice tattoo."

"Thanks. It has a lot of meaning to me. I got it after I finally managed to break the gay truth to Bella."

"Why?"

"She wanted us to try some sort of sexual therapy because there wasn't actually much action going on in that department of our marriage so to speak."

"I don't think I want to know the details about how you did your wife. The thought is kind of…repulsing to me."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't going to talk about that. Just let me tell you that it was quite devastating for both of us."

"It seemed to work good enough to beget the little one."

"I'm not going to apologize for having Riley. For everything else, yes, but not for him, my son is too important to me to do that."

"Is he visiting you during his holidays?"

"No, I got full custody for him after the divorce. Bella's new hubby isn't that fond of raising another man's child and I know how it is like dealing with a stepfather that doesn't accept you. It was difficult to convince the court to sign over the custody to me, usually it always goes to the mother but Bella didn't actually fight hard for getting Riley, maybe because he reminded her too much of me."

"Must have been difficult for her to figure out you are gay."

"I'm sorry that I hurt her but it was inevitable. It was either that or swallowing the package of sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet. I couldn't go on like that anymore, couldn't pretend not to be what I knew so clearly I was."

He reaches out his hand and places it gently over mine. My first instinct is to pull back but when his skin actually touches mine, I just can't.

I hate this man so much for hurting me.

I hate the thought that he's possibly going to do it again.

But I love him, I simply do and I always will, no matter what.

Slowly I circle the fingertips of my other hand over his for a few moments before I lean forward, hesitating midway because I know how he always refused to exchange kisses in public places.

The Edward sitting across from me is not the man he used to be. Underneath the tousled copper hair is someone way braver now and with that new acquired bravery he closes the distance between our mouths.

His kiss is slow and gentle as if he's afraid I could pull back. I can't. My mouth presses against his, my tongue moves greedily between his parted lips and I'm home. I missed him so much and I feel like I need to soak up as much of him as possible. I want to swallow him whole, consume him, so that he's mine forever.

None of us manages to pull back and when eventually we break the contact of our lips we are both panting, his face is flushed and the green of his eyes seems a bit glassy.

We don't talk much for the rest of the evening. Maybe sometimes words are not necessary to express what you feel. Maybe sometimes they are not enough.

It gets late, the tea and coffee gets replaced by bottles of beer that we gulp down before the waitress very _kindly _asks us to leave so that she can close up.

Out on the street I shiver and he wraps his leather jacket over my shoulders, leaving his arm around me on the short way to the parking lot.

"Aren't you afraid what people might think if they see us together?" I whisper, fumbling for the car keys in my back pocket.

He smiles, a full faced smile not a crooked one and plants another kiss on my mouth.

"I'm only afraid what you think, that you won't be able to give me another chance after everything."

I hand him his jacket back, instantly missing the musky scent that keeps streaming out of it. So, much like him, so familiar and tempting…

"I need time."

"I'll give you all the time in the world. I know, I hurt you but I want to make it good again. I want us to be okay. I want a second chance for the two of us."

Nodding my head, I push his hair out of his forehead before I step inside the car and drive off. There are two messages from Alice on the machine when I'm home.

_Aren't you home yet? I hope Asshole didn't hurt you. Call me._

I delete the first message and the second one starts playing.

_I'm starting to worry about you. Maybe I should have gone with you. Give me a call, so that I can go to bed._

Grabbing the milk from the fridge I pour it over a bowl of cereals and wait for them to get soggy while I dial her number. She's happy that things went alright and encourages me to wait at least three days before calling him again.

I make it until my lunch break on the second day. He suggests cooking dinner for us at his place and I roll my eyes at Alice when she hands me an untouched package of condoms after my shift.

"Here, I want you to be safe when you play with _Asshole_. God knows with whom he has messed around."

"You bought condoms for me?"

"Well, technically I bought them for me but I didn't see that they are for anal sex, so I have no use for them."

"Oh Alice, a hole is a hole."

"At least my hole lubes itself. Now, go and have fun but don't let him hurt you again."

I plant a kiss on her forehead and head home, taking a quick shower before changing into a pair of jeans and a button down shirt.

The kid is there when I arrive at his apartment and he apologizes that he didn't manage to get a babysitter for Riley tonight.

I tell him it's ok and lean back against the kitchen counter while he keeps stirring in the pans. It smells deliciously of garlic and oregano.

"What are we going to eat?" I ask him, taking a sip from the glass of red wine he's poured me.

"Spaghetti," Riley stats looking up from the Nintendo between his hands, "That's the only thing my Daddy can cook."

"I like Spaghetti." I state, fighting the urge to cross the distance between me and Edward and hug him tightly from behind, to rub my crotch against his firm backside. Oh fuck…

During dinner I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes from Edward's mouth and I start envying the marinara sauce when he licks it off the corner of his mouth.

"Bed time for you," he tells the little one, whose face instantly turns into a frown. For the next hour Edward tries to make him stay in his bed but Riley keeps coming back until he eventually falls asleep on the couch, watching some poorly synchronized Japanese Manga comic.

While he carries the sleeping boy back to his room I take a look around in the apartment. It's small but cozy and the old map from his room is now framed securely under glass, hanging on one of the living room walls. I stand up and circle my fingertip over the reddened marks on it.

_We never went to see just one of all the places we wanted to go…_

Then I feel his arms around my waist and his warm lips against my neck, suckling the skin there between his teeth.

It's too soon, I feel like it's too soon for my heart to let him get this close to me again but my body is a greedy traitor and hungers for his touch.

Pushing him against the wall behind us, my tongue is in his mouth within seconds and my hands move down his chest until my fingers touch the building bulge in his jeans.

"My…room," he whispers against my lips and as soon as we close the door behind us our clothes land messily all over the floor.

When I kneel down in front of him and take the wet glistening tip of his cock between my lips he groans through gritted teeth.

I suck him in deeper, feeling him twitch and harden even more inside my mouth and I love it. My hand cups his balls and strokes them gently while I swirl my tongue down the underside of his length.

"Yes…oh…fuck…Jazz…oh fuck…oh…oh…"

His climax makes his entire body shudder while I swallow thirstily around him, savoring every drop of his lust before I let go of his still hard cock.

I want him inside me so badly.

Laying down on his king sized bed he plants a tender kiss on my mouth and moans against my lips when I let him taste the rest of his release on the tip of my tongue.

I close my eyes and groan against the pillows when he kisses his way down my spine. Roughly he cups the cheeks of my ass when he parts them but his tongue against the tiny puckered hole is so tender.

He moves it around in small circles, setting the sensitive skin there under fire. Eventually the tip of his tongue pushes through the tight ring of muscles and the sensation becomes too overwhelming. I pump my cock while his tongue moves around and around in me. It's not enough. I want to feel him in me now. I need to feel him in me.

"Take me." I groan. "Please, fuck me, Darlin'."

I can hear him fumble around underneath the bed and a moment later a slick, lube covered finger glides down the crack of my ass.

His breathe is raspy in my ear while he starts preparing me for him, slipping first one then a second finger into my tight hole until it starts to relax underneath his touch.

"Crap," he calls out suddenly and pulls back. "I don't have any…,"

"Right back pocket," I murmur huskily, feeling my own cock twitch against my palm as I watch him roll down the thin latex over his throbbing shaft.

I whimper when I feel him against my entrance a few moments later. Squeezing a bit more of the lube onto my puckered hole he slowly pushes inside of me, filling me completely.

"You ok? Fuck…you are so tight around my cock. Your muscles are driving me insane. Oh...fuck…,"

He grabs my hips and pulls me closer against his body, his pelvis rocking against mine, while he starts thrusting deeper inside of me with every movement.

"Edward…," I moan, "Fuck, I love you so much."

"I love you…I never stopped loving you…oh God…oh…fuck, Jazz."

With a last groan against my neck his body collapses on top of mine. A heartbeat later my second release spurts all over my stomach and his sheets.

He changes them after we take a quick shower together washing off the sweaty results of our love-making. I ask him if he wants me to leave now but he quickly shakes his head.

Lying underneath the cool blankets I rest my head against his bare chest and circle my fingers over the coppery hairs around his sternum.

We talk long and for the first time he actually opens up to me about all his fears. How he wanted so desperately to be the son he thought his father had wished him to be and how now that he's a Dad himself he understands that's not necessary. A father is always proud of his son, always, no matter what.

He asks me to forgive him, again and again and I eventually kiss his mouth to silence him. I know he messed up but he's here with me now. I'm here with him and in this very moment that's everything that counts to me.

There's a knock on the door and I pull back from the kiss, leaning back against the wooden frame of the bed when Riley's little head appears in the door frame.

"Bad dream," he mumbles rubbing his green eyes before he stumbles towards the bed.

"Do you want to sleep here now?" Edward asks him, shifting a bit closer against me under the blankets.

The little one cuddles against his side but a few moments later he starts fidgeting around, pulling on the blankets when he climbs over his father.

"I want to sleep in the middle, so that I can't fall out."

"Riley…,"

"It's ok. I don't mind. Let him sleep where he wants to."

Riley grabs the pillow and tugs around on the blankets until he eventually finds a comfortable position between the two of us.

"Are you staying with us now, Doc.?" he asks me tiredly, barely able to keep his eyes open.

Edward's gives me a look full of worry, hope and most of all love. I am so his…

"Yes," I whisper, noticing that the boy has already falling asleep, with the thumb in his mouth.

Turning to my side, I reach out my hand to run my fingers over my Lover's forearm, down to the dark blue letters of his tattoo.

**~Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow~**

With the awareness how true these words are I drift into peaceful sleep. Now and then I wake up for a moment because both Edward and Riley are snoring so loudly.

My men, I think, unable to keep the grin from my face. I hope they have some decent cereals here for breakfast in the morning…


	2. Chapter 2

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank all the wonderful people who left me such nice and encouraging comments on chapter one. You are amazing and inspired me to add some more to this little story here. Let's see how things turn out. Shall we?

****Part 2****

_**Edward**_

_Sometimes even to live is an act of courage_

_(Lucius Annaeus Seneca)_

It is still too soon to do it, I tell myself over and over in my head while my sweaty fingertips touch the little box in the left pocket of my leather jacket.

My left hand cups the coffee in front of me and when I take the first careful sip from the hot liquid, I spill a bit of it over the light blue collar of my shirt.

"Crap, now I have to change again and we're already late. Riley, are you finished with your granola?"

"I don't like it. There are yucky raisins in it and they taste like crap." My son stats, his little face turning into a frown. When he looks like this he reminds me of his mother and for obvious reasons that's not something I like too much. If I wasn't the way I am, Bella and I would still be married and the little one would have a proper family life, like I wanted him to. I feel guilty for taking that away from Riley. I'll always feel guilty for that.

"Daddy?"

"Eat up now, so that we can leave." I tell him, heading for my room where I throw the shirt I'm wearing carelessly on the ground before grabbing another one from my closet.

My cell starts vibrating on my nightstand and I shove it into the back pocket of my jeans before, picking up my car keys. A last glimpse at the watch above the kitchen table makes me cringe slightly. I can't be late again for work, not for the third time this month.

I throw the rest of Riley's breakfast into the trash underneath the sink and wipe a bit of spilled milk from his chin.

"I'm sorry we have to hurry so much in the morning but you know that I have to bring you to Vicky before I got to work."

He jumps from his chair and I manage to wrap my arms around his middle before he manages to head for his room. The little one somehow figured out how to lock himself in and that's the reason for the other two times I didn't manage it to show up on time at work.

"I don't want to go to that witch again. I hate her! I hate you for making me!" His voice turns into a hysterically high scream and when I lift him up to carry him on my hip, he starts kicking his boots against my thigh. Damn it, this is going to bruise. Why does this child have to be so thick-headed? Must be Bella's fault, I guess. Or it is probably is mine, because I'm not strict enough to him but there is no way I'm going to bend him over my knee and spank him, like my own father used to do it when I was a kid.

During the entire ride to his new day nanny, he keeps yelling and sobbing but when we are in front of the yellow painted porch, it has finally subsided. Not because I have managed to calm him down but because his throat is sore and he's exhausted.

I unbuckle his seatbelt and kneel down in front of him, placing my hand on his quivering shoulder.

"Can you try to be a big boy for Daddy today?"

He nods his head, wiping his snotty nose on the sleeve of his shirt before wrapping his arms around me.

"Can't I come with you? I promise to be quiet. You won't even notice that I'm there. Please, Daddy…,"

In that moment the door of the house is pulled open and Vicky appears in its frame, carrying a baby on her left shoulder. It has the same reddish hair color then its mother and the toddler who has wrapped his arms around her left leg.

"Hello Edward. Good Morning, Riley. How's it going?"

He doesn't answer her but stars down at his boots while squeezing my hand with all the strength he has.

"I'll pick you up at six. Be a good boy. Will you?"

"Hmm,"

"Don't worry about him, Edward. We're going to have so much fun here today. Won't we, Riley?"

I remain standing in front of the house, when the red-head disappears inside the house again, pulling my three-year old with her.

Why does it always feel like I'm a crappy father, when I bring him to someone else to look after him while I'm at work?

My cell vibrates again and I flip it open on the way back to my car.

"Hi, Jazz. Can I call you back later?"

"You sound stressed. What's wrong?"

I start the engine of the Volvo and the growl-like sound it makes reminds me once again, that I need to get it inside a garage as soon as my new paycheck has balanced out the fat minus on my bank account.

"Riley is driving me crazy. He's so sullen at the moment because he can't stand his new day nanny."

"Oh the witch, wasn't it?"

"Don't feed this nonsense. It was difficult enough to find someone new to look after him after the incident at Emily's house."

"Accidents happen all the time. Look, I wanted to ask you if you still know who I am. We haven't seen each other at all since my nightshifts started last Sunday."

"Let me think a moment. You have dark hair that's pulled together in a ponytail and your bulked-up arms are covered in ink."

He chuckles into the receiver before slurping on something; probably a coffee to go the little midget has brought to his office. That woman can't stand me for fucks sake, no matter how hard I have tried during the last two month to make her like me. To Alice, I will always be the asshole who broke Jasper's heart. Just for the record, she's right about that. I fucked up badly but he has somehow, in a way that I sure as hell not deserve it decided to give me a second chance.

There is no way I'm going to ruin that again. My fingers touch the little box in my jacket again. Yes, it is still too early to ask him but I can wait. Some things are worth to wait for.

"Do you want to come to my place tonight?"

"I want to but I can't. I have no one to look after Riley."

Every time I tell him something like that, I wait for him to get pissed or annoyed. It is difficult to balance a relationship while taking care of a little kid's needs. Most men sure as hell wouldn't want to deal with the consequences of their partner's heterosexual past. The fact that Jasper is so willing to accept Riley into his life proves to me how much he loves me. He loves me way more than I probably deserve to be loved.

"Edward, are you still there?"

"Yes, sure, I was just in thoughts.

"I said, bring him with you. I'll order Pizza and he's going to crash in front of the TV within half an hour. Then I have you to myself for the rest of the night."

I suppress a groan, feeling the blood rush to my groins. It has been too long since I felt the heat of his mouth around my cock.

The traitorous thing hardens at the thought and I take several deep breaths, knowing that I have zero time to take care of this myself before starting another boring day at work.

"Do you want to meet me during your lunch break? I could pick you up before heading to the hospital to finish some paperwork."

I tell him how much I like the idea and in the moment I hang up, I realize this means the rest of the people in my office will see him. Is he going to kiss me in front of them? Will be expect me to do that?

There is a very unpleasant familiar feeling of fear deep inside my stomach and I try to ignore it as much as I can.

Parking the Volvo in my space, I grab my stuff and rush for the elevators, managing it to run into my boss.

"Good Morning, Mr. Volturi." I greet him as friendly as possible. The man is creepy and has a tendency to hiss like a snake whenever he doesn't get his will fast enough. I hate working here but without a College degree, it is not like I can be too choosy about jobs.

"Mr. Masen, is there something wrong with your watch? You're supposed to start at nine-sharply. Our clients hate when you let them wait."

"Yes, Mr. Volturi. It's not going to happen again. I'm sorry."

"That's what you said last time, you were late. I'm not a fan of giving people second chances over and over again, so consider yourself warned."

I nod my head and wonder how much I'd like it to throw this shithead out of the window in in his office at the tenth floor. It's not that anyone is going to miss him too much, is there?

Entering my office, I throw my jacket over my chair before turning on the computer screen in front of me.

There are a dozen of unread new emails in my inbox and while deciding which of them to answer first, I notice one that has zero to do with my work.

I hate it when my ex-wife writes to my work email dress and she knows it.

**To: EdwardAMasen ( ) Volturi-EnterpricesBoston ( . ) com**

**From: IsabellaBlack ( ) gmail ( . ) com**

**Subject: Riley**

_**Hi Edward,**_

_**I'll be in Boston for the next weekend and would like to see Riley. There is also some stuff that I need to, that we need to discuss.**_

_**Give the little one a kiss from me and let me know when I can pick him up on Saturday morning.**_

_**Bella**_

_**PS: Why did you hire a new day nanny again? What happened to the muffin lady?**_

I sigh deeply and for a moment I feel tempted to tell her to go fuck herself. She tends to show up like every three months and showers our son with presents and shit in order to make up for the fact that she's a lousy mother who put the dick who fucks her above her own child. Black is a moron who thinks you can treat kids like dogs that you can command around twenty-four-seven.

The rest of the morning passes quickly and when I hear someone clear his throat next to me, I drop the file I'm reading down to the ground.

"Did I startle you?" Jasper asks me, his full mouth curling into a left-sided grin. I want to kiss the dimple in his cheek so badly but Felix and Caius the other guys in the office are still here and I don't want them to see me doing it. If they find out I'm gay that wouldn't make my job here easier, I assume.

I shake my head and stand up from my chair, grabbing my wallet and the leather jacket. He hugs me and I hate myself for stiffening in his arms. If I want this thing between the two of us to work, I can't be like that. Well, technically, I am not like that. I've learned to be open about my sexual preferences but here at work, it is still…difficult.

Inside the elevator I fist my hands into his curly hair, pressing my mouth to his to force it into a greedy kiss. The tip of his tongue touches against mine and I feel his semi-hard cock against my left thigh. I can't wait any longer. I need to have him. I need to have him now.

With my left hand I press the stop button, hearing the shrill beeping of the alarm in my ears when I pull back from the kiss.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, so very much. Let me show you."

Going down on my knees in front of him, I pull down the zipper of his jeans to free his cock.

"You are crazy, Masen."

"Your fault, Whitlock, all your fault," I whisper, running my tongue over the moist glistening head of his cock while wrapping my hand around its base. He moans when I suck him inside my mouth, slowly inch by inch until I feel him hit the back of my throat. Then I pull back again, swirling my tongue all around his sensitive tip for a bit. My hand moves up and down his entire length and I enjoy how it twitches against the grip of my fingertips.

Sucking him inside my mouth again, I hollow out my cheeks to increase his pleasure even more.

"Fuck…oh…fuck," he calls out and a heartbeat later the first spurt of salty come fills my mouth, followed by two others. I swallow around him, releasing his softening cock with a last kiss, before standing up from the ground again.

"Best lunch break in a long time." I whisper, planting a last kiss on his mouth before I hit the stop button again to make the elevator move again. I'm hard like a rock but I don't want to risk someone from security showing up here in order to rescue us from our trap.

Jaspers hand moves over the bulge in my pants but I guide it to my lips to blow a kiss over his fingers.

"Later."

"If you wish so, Darlin',"

What I wish right now is to bend you over and bury my cock inside your tight ass but unfortunately these things have to wait.

When the door of the elevator opens, Aro stands in front of me, his chalk-pale face turned into an emotionless mask.

"Hello Mr. Volturi."

"Mr. Masen,"

I realize that Jasper has his arm around my waist but I don't dare to step away from him. I don't want to. I'm too glad to have him back.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend here?"

Jasper smirks and holds out his hand.

"I'm Doctor Jasper Whitlock. It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir. Edward speaks always so highly of you."

I do what?

Aro grins and the flashing of his yellowish teeth reminds me once again of a snake ready to attack its prey.

When we sit down inside the small coffee shop around the corner, I order two sandwiches and beer for us that we swallow down within minutes.

"Your boss seems a bit creepy."

Just a bit?

"Yeah probably,"

"Does he know?"

"Does he know that he's creepy?"

"No, that's not what I meant." he stats, taking the last sip from his bottle.

"You haven't told him you are gay."

I sigh deeply, touching the tattoo on my forearm with my fingertips.

"My private life is none of his business."

"Kay,"

"You seem disappointed now. Do you tell everyone in the hospital that you are dating guys?"

"Alice is pretty bubbly and not that good at keeping other people's privacy."

"What a surprise."

"You can't stand her but she's the most warm-hearted, kindest person ever. Without her I would probably be—"

He stops abruptly and waves at the waitress to our table to pay the bill. Back outside again, he wraps his hands around my neck to pull me into a slow kiss.

"I know how difficult everything is for you. Don't you think, I wouldn't know."

"I'm sorry. I should have told Aro you are my boyfriend."

"No, you shouldn't. You don't have to come out at work, if you're not ready for that. Stop worrying so much all the time. Everything is going to be alright."

XXXXX

I enter the Emergency Room of the hospital, praying that the nurse who is in charge tonight won't be the little midget. Riley sobs against my shoulder and I'm sure that the blood that keeps trickling down his left palm will ruin the fabric of my suit irrevocably.

"What do we have here?"

Crap, of course, she has to be here tonight. That woman hates me with a sickish passion.

"Alice! Oh Alice, my hand hurts. It's bleeding."

"Let me take a look. This looks bad. Sit down here and I get something to clean the wound."

"Not that burning stuff again, not the burning stuff again." He pleads, hiding his head against my shoulder.

She returns a moment later and when she starts cleaning the cut in his palm, I can hear him inhale sharply between his teeth. I like that he's trying to be brave. My tough little man…

"How did that happen?"

"His day nanny let him cut out some pictures from a magazine. Riley is a bit clumsy when it comes to his hand-eye- coordination. That's something he inherited from his mother."

"I asked the boy, not you, asshole but it suits you, that you blame someone else for his mistakes."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Alice, are you and Daddy mad at each other?"

"No, sweetie, everything is fine. Look, Dr. Brannon here will make a brace for your hand while we finish the paper stuff."

"Kay,"

I follow her, noticing that she has cut her hair to arrange it into a mess of spikey black curls. She could actually be a pretty thing if it wasn't for her bitchy personality.

"You have to fill this here…oh and that one too."

She hands me the papers and I start scrawling down the necessary information.

"I know you hate me. I just would like to know why. Jasper forgave me."

"Yes, he did because he loves you, asshole. I on the other hand, can see you with a healthy distance."

"So, can you?"

"You don't know how he was like when I first met him. It was as if he was mentally dead. He hadn't been sober in weeks."

"He told me that he had some sort of drinking problem. Look, I know that I hurt him. I fucked up. My decision to get married was a stupid one. I was fucking scared to admit I was gay. You don't know how it is like to be scared."

Her eyes narrow for a moment before she grabs the first sheet of paper from my hands to place it in a folder on the table.

"You know nothing about me, asshole. But worse than that is that you know nothing about Jasper. How it broke him when you put your own fears above him. He loves you so much and I hate you for hurting him like that."

"I'm sorry."

"That doesn't make undone what you did. You are weak. You hurt him before, you could do it again."

"I won't."

"Good for you, because I don't think he'd survive that a second time."

"I won't hurt him again. You're right that I know nothing about you but you were there for him when I wasn't. That for I'll always be grateful to you."

"Didn't do that for your benefit, asshole."

"I have a name. How about starting to use it for politeness sake?"

"Edward,"

"Wow, that's a start. You are protective of Jasper."

"I'm always protective of people I love."

"So am I." I mumble, handing her the second paper after scrawling down my signature in the left corner.

She places it above the first one and reads through the lines, stopping suddenly.

"You checked left-handed. Was that a mistake?"

"No, it wasn't. Riley is left-handed. Why are you asking?"

"He cut himself into his left palm. It would have been quite difficult to do that if he was holding the scissor in that hand."

"Maybe he switched?"

"Yeah, maybe, little kids do that all the time. Make sure to keep the wound dry. Jasper can give you some painkillers should the little one need them."

On the ride to Jasper's place, Riley is silent and I wonder if I should better call off the date to bring him home. He seems exhausted and sad somehow.

"Is your hand still hurting?"

"A bit,"

"I'm sorry about that."

"Hmm,"

"Your mom is coming here this weekend to visit you."

He turns around, and sucks his thumb between his teeth.

"Is Jake coming here too?"

"I don't know but he'll probably stay home to look after the dogs."

"I wished he'd bring them with him. I like dogs. Daddy, can't we buy a puppy?"

I shake my head, parking the car in front of Jasper's apartment. My fingers fist into the mess of my hair and I pinch the bridge of my nose to fight of a headache that is about to build.

"Daddy, please. I promise to take care of it."

"We don't have money for a dog. Do you know how much such a thing eats?"

"Mom would let me. I'll ask her to buy me one."

"Then, she can take it with her to Vancouver. We've talked about the pet thing before. I said no and that was my last word."

"You are mean."

"And you are a little brat at the moment."

Jasper opens the door and when his eyes meet mine, I can feel my insides melt. He grants me a warm-hearted smile and wraps his arms around me to move his full mouth lightly over my upper lip. I know that Riley can see us and I don't want to irritate him even more than he already is by now. He knows that Jasper and I are close. I'm not sure if he knows how close. Before Jazz, I never let my son see me with another man.

"The two of you should come inside before it starts raining." He stats cheerfully, running his fingers over Riley's head. Then he notices the brace on the boys hand and takes it carefully in his.

"Another accident?"

"He hurt his hand with a scissor." I explain, following them inside the apartment. Riley sits down on the couch and starts flipping through the TV channels, stopping at some movie about a Golden Retriever.

Jasper pours him a glass of apple juice and pops down next to him.

"You like dogs, don't you?"

"Yep, but my Daddy says he won't buy me one."

"He's right about that. Who would take care of it while he's at work?"

"I could stay home with it."

Jasper chuckles and I place my hands around his hips when he bends down to grab some Soda bottles from the fridge.

"Do you want a beer?"

"Coke is fine."

I run my fingers over his sides, circling them underneath his shirt. When he turns around, I crash my lips to his again. My tongue swirls around his and I can feel him suckle my lower lip between his teeth. God, I want him so much.

"Fag!"

Jasper stiffens and I pull back from the kiss, trying to get my breathing and the blushing in my face under control again.

"Fag!"

I wonder where a three-year-old learns words like that at all. It's not something I want to explain to him. He's too young to understand.

"Who told you that word?"

"Someone said that on TV when two guys kissed. You and Jasper kiss each other all the time."

Jasper kneels down next to him on the ground while I sit down on the kitchen floor, placing my arm around my blond lover's shoulder.

"It's an ugly word and we don't want you to use it." I tell him, forcing my voice to sound calm.

"Why do you kiss each other?"

"Because it's nice and we like one another a great deal." Jasper mumbles, running his fingers through my hair. "Now, who wants to order some Pizza?"

Riley snores on the couch an hour later and I wrap a blanket carefully around him before heading for the bathroom. The steam from the shower has filled the small room with the musky scent of arousal and lemon-scented body wash.

I step out of my clothes and when I enter the shower, Jasper presses me against the steamed glass wall. Caressing my backside with his fingertips, he sucks the skin on my neck between his lips.

"You are going to leave a mark."

"Yes,"

His hand reaches around me and I moan when his fist closes around the head of my cock. He starts pumping my length while his tongue grazes the shell of my ear. His own cock rubs against the crack of my ass and the sensation makes my balls throb from the desperate need of release.

Then I feel him kissing his way down my spine, until he eventually kneels down behind me, pulling the cheeks of my backside apart.

His tongue circles around my sensitive hole and I wonder how much he'd like it to take me here. Take me hard against the shower wall.

I bet his ex-boyfriend let Jasper top him all the time. Maybe he prefers it like that now. Should I let him—no, we can't. Not without a condom and some preparations. Jasper is large. It will probably hurt like crap when he fucks me.

"Relax…just relax for me, Darlin'. Touch yourself for me. Rub your beautiful cock."

He continues his attention on the puckered rosette, teasing it tenderly by using just the tip of his tongue. My fingers move up and down my base, faster and faster. I'm close, so fucking close. In the moment he presses his tongue into the tensed ring of muscles, I tumble over the edge. My come spurts against the glass walls in front of me and I almost lose it another time, when Jasper turns me around and starts licking me clean.

"I love you. God, I fucking love you so much." I moan, crashing my lips to his again. We step outside the shower and I watch fascinated how he rubs some baby oil over the rippled muscles of his abdomen.

"Do you remember how I told you to touch yourself when you were a boy?"

"I do."

"Do you know how much I wanted to crash that damn bathroom door back then to watch you jacking off?"

He smirks, letting some more of the oil trickle on his flat palm.

"You can watch now."

With that he starts palming his hard cock between his oil covered fingers. The view is beyond breathtaking and I can't manage to keep my eyes from his beautiful cock. The head is a purplish color now and I watch fascinated how his fingers move up and down his thick shaft.

"Touch your balls with your other hand. Yes…just like that. Massage them. Tug a bit on the skin there…yes…oh fuck. You look so beautiful touching yourself. I can't wait to see you come. Come for me, baby. Come hard."

A loud groans leaves his mouth a split second before several spurts of thick semen cover his stomach. I kiss his mouth again before grabbing a towel to rinse it under the faucet.

"That was the hottest thing I've seen. I wished I'd filmed it."

"I didn't know you were into porn. Seth liked watching stuff like that a lot but it doesn't do that much for me."

It takes me a second too long to get my facial expression under control again and he notices the discomfort in my eyes. I don't like it when he mentions that man. I don't like that they are still friends.

"You're not jealous again, are you?"

"No, I'm not." I whisper before kneeling down to pick up my clothes. When we are inside his bedroom, he hugs me from behind, cuddling his warm body against mine.

"You are not a very good liar, Masen."

"Depends on to whom I'm trying to lie at, with you it is more difficult than with others."

Wrapping a blanket over us, he rubs his nose up and down the hollow of my throat.

"You have to trust me when I tell you; I want you and no one else. Seth is just a friend, a very good one."

I close my eyes and play with the honey-blonde curls of his hair. It feels so amazingly soft against my fingertips.

"He is a friend whom you fucked."

"Fucked as in past tense,"

"I bet he would like to warm up the good old times. The way he keeps looking at you, as if he's just waiting for me to fuck up, so that he can be there to comfort you."

Jasper shifts a bit in my arms, wrapping his hands tightly around my shoulder.

"He's a nice guy, fun and flirty but he's just not, he's not you and you're the one I want to be with."

I kiss his sternum, tasting the saltiness of his skin on the tip of my tongue.

"It would be easier for you to be with him. He doesn't have a child who is interrupting your make-out sessions."

"Riley is ok. I like him. He's a part of you."

"His mother is having him for the weekend so that means we can have some more time to ourselves."

"Are you going to tell her that you have a boyfriend?"

"What for? It would only agitate her again. She knows about me being gay. There is no need to put salt on the wound again."

"If you think so,"

"I don't need to hurt Bella any more than I already have."

"You care about her."

"Of course I do care. She's the mother of my child. That will always connect the two of us. I wished things between us weren't that tensed."

Tensed is bit of an understatement when it comes to the relationship between me and Bella. Our marriage was a farce. I liked her a great deal and the fact that she was actually one of the girls that don't want to have sex with you before their wedding night made her even more appealing in a sick kind of way. She was so in love with me and wanted so much for us to make things work. But trying to seduce me with some expensive silk lingerie wasn't helping any bit with the fact that I don't like women. I mean, I do like women. Most of them are way easier to talk to then guys. I just don't want to fuck them.

"There's my baby!" she calls out as soon as she steps outside her rental car. She picks the little one up to swirl him around while she starts showering his face with wet kisses. Riley hates it when someone kisses him but of course she has no clue about what he likes or not.

I take a look at her. She's too thin. Her shoulders are bony and the dress she's wearing hangs a bit too loosely around her hips.

"Mommy, let me down."

She sniffs, wiping some tears from her eyes that have dark circles underneath them despite the entire makeup she has used in an attempt to cover it up.

"I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, Mommy. Did you bring me a present?"

Pulling a silver wrapped box out of a bag, she hands it to him with a smile.

"I hope you like it. Jake helped me to pick it up. He wants me to say hi to you."

While the little one is busy, trying to unwrap his present, she finally turns her attention to me.

"Hi Edward,"

"Hello Bella. Did you lose some weight?"

"A bit maybe." She whispers, biting her fingernails nervously.

"It looks more than a bit. Is everything ok with you?"

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Life has been a bit stressful in the last time."

We sit down and order some tea and muffins. She starts picking hers into small pieces, only shoving a few of them between her lips.

Riley climbs on her lap, pressing the plastic stereoscope she bought him against her chest.

"That's not a real one."

"How do you know that?" she asks him, circling her thin fingers through his hair. He grabs the tortured muffin from her plate and starts eating it, smearing a bit of the chocolate frosting around his mouth.

"Oh sweetie, you're getting yourself dirty. Let Mommy feed you."

"No! I'm not a baby anymore!"

"Riley, stop yelling. Bella, let him eat by himself. He can handle that pretty fine."

She sniffs and a moment later she starts sobbing, pressing the puzzled little one against her shoulder.

"Mommy, are you sad now?"

"My baby is no baby anymore."

"Bella, let him go now and try to calm down. You are irritating him."

After a few minutes she finally stops crying. Then she places another kiss on his forehead, making him shrug back from the unwanted caress. She excuses herself to the bathroom and I kneel down in front of Riley, wiping the smeared chocolate from his face.

"You're okay?"

"Yes, Daddy, can we go home now?"

"Your mother just came here. Don't you want to spend some time with her?"

"She's always kissing me, like I was a baby. I don't like it."

I nod my head, picking up the plastic stethoscope from the ground again.

"You need to tell your Mom, thanks for bringing you a present."

"It's not a real one. Maybe she didn't know it's not real."

"How do you know?"

"If you put Jasper's on someone's chest you can hear the heartbeat through the earphones."

"Who is Jasper?" Bella asks him curiously, sitting down on her chair again. She grabs her tea with trembling hands and I start to worry that probably she's seriously sick. What the hell is wrong with her?

"He's Daddy's friend."

I pray that he stops his explanation there but of course I'm not that lucky.

"They kiss each other because they like to."

Bella drops the cup in her hand, spilling the rest of the tea over the table and her dress.

"Crap."

I hand her a napkin and she tries to clean her dress while another wave of tears starts filling her brown eyes.

"Riley, why don't you go and play a bit with your new toys, while I'm talking to your mother?"

When he is far enough away to not hear me anymore, I lean over and whisper into Bella's ear.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out like that."

"It's ok. I know this was going to happen eventually. I'm just a little bit surprised that you let our son know. Don't you think he's too young to be confronted with things like that?"

"Do you expect me to lie to him? He's fine with me being with Jasper. Maybe he doesn't understand it completely right now. But one day, he will. And when that day comes, I don't want him to think his father was a fucking coward."

"He won't. Riley loves you. He seems happy."

"You seem not. What is wrong with you? Are you sick?"

"I was."

She hesitates for a while, taking several deep breaths before she continues in a hoarse whisper.

"Jake and I, we were going to have a baby, but I, I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry about that."

"It's ok. I don't like talking about it too much. Jake is pretty disappointed in me, I think. At least he makes me feel like that."

Her husband is a moron and I'd like to kick him hard where it really hurts. She seems so lifeless and he's probably the one making her feel this way.

"You could try again."

"Please, Edward, I don't want to talk about it now. It's very painful."

"Yes, I can imagine that."

"So, this Jasper is your, your boyfriend."

I nod my head and a smile flashes over my face.

"He works as a doctor."

"Oh I see, that's how Riley knows it's not a real stethoscope. I suck at choosing presents for him. Last time we talked on the phone he said he wants a puppy but I assumed you wouldn't be too fond of that."

"You're right about that."

"Is your boyfriend okay with you having a child?"

He loves me, I think, closing my fist around the little box inside my jacket. Jasper loves me way more than I probably deserve it. The fact that he's so willing to accept Riley into his life makes me love him even more in return. I want to be with him and no one else for the rest of my life. It's still too early to ask him, I know but still—

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"How's your boyfriend getting along with Riley?"

"It's ok. Jasper is good with kids."

"Jasper, Jasper…why does that name sound so familiar to me?" she mutters, suddenly jumping from her chair so abruptly that it falls down behind her.

"Wait a moment. Wasn't that the name of your neighbor's son back home in Seattle, the blonde dude that was the best man at our wedding?"

"Yes, that's him."

"You fucking bastard. You cheated on me from the beginning. You, you, God damn it! There are no words that are evil enough for you, Masen. I hate you!"

"Bella, calm down please."

"Don't you dare to tell me what to do! Whatever you say means shit to me. Riley! Come here, and tell your father goodbye. We're leaving."

"Bella, I want you to calm down first before you put the child in your car. Take a deep breathe. Jasper and I have not spoken to each other one word since I married you. We just met again a while ago, when Riley had been brought to the hospital he works at."

"My baby was in the hospital and you told me nothing about it?"

"It wasn't something serious, just a stitching job. I didn't want you to freak."

"My poor baby," she mutters, picking Riley up again to carry him on her side.

"I don't like when someone carries me like a stupid baby. Let me down again, Mommy."

She sighs, placing him on the ground again.

"If you want to, I let you hold my hand." He offers generously.

"I'd like that a great deal. Do you want to have some ice-cream before we go back to Mommy's hotel?"

"Yes, please!"

"Fine, honey, we'll do that. Tell your father goodbye now. He's going to pick you up again on Sunday."

He squeezes my hand and when the two of them walk out of the café, I feel terribly lonely there on my own. I pull my cell out of my pocket and dial his number.

"Dr. Whitlock."

I swear to God, every time he refers to himself as Dr. Whitlock I want to jizz my pants. He's so effing hot in those lab coats. One day, I want to fuck him when he wearing that, when he's only wearing that.

"Hey, it's me."

"Oh hey, how did the meeting with your ex-wife go?"

"It was okay. Riley kind of spilled the news to her about you and me being together."

"I like your son more and more the longer I know him."

I chuckle, gulping down the rest of my cold tea before heading outside in the rain where I fumble for my car keys.

"What do you want to do tonight? It has been forever since I had a free night. We could go to a club or something."

"Sounds like a plan. I can pick you up later at your place. Just have to finish this shift here."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I clear my throat and hesitate for a long awkward moment before I continue, knowing that I'll never be brave enough to ask him the following question in person.

"Look, I wanted to ask you something."

"Kay,"

"It's about our sex-life."

"Oh that sounds like it's going to get interesting. Let me just close the door to my office and then I'm all yours."

When he returns to the phone again, his voice has a slight husky tone that sends shivers of lust down my spine. Fuck, the way my body reacts to him is making my head spin. No one has ever made me feel that way, no one but him. I want to give him everything he needs and if that means letting him top me, I'll let him do it. God, I'd do anything to be with him. He's my life.

"Jazz, are you happy with our sex-life?" I start finally, biting my lip so tightly that I taste blood on my tongue.

"Very much, I actually like the videotape idea you had after the little show in the bathroom. Alice has a camera that I could borrow."

"You are not going to tell her what we want to use it for?"

"I tell her a lot but not everything."

"Good,"

"Why are you asking me if I like our sex-life? That's awkward somehow. You should know that I enjoy being with you."


	3. Chapter 3

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I'm not going to bore you with a long list of excuses about why it took me so long to get this chapter here out. A big thank you goes out to those of you who encouraged me to finish this little story here. I hope you'll like the result below.

_****3****_

_**Jasper**_

_**From caring comes courage**_

_**(Lao Tzu)**_

Our night out in the club doesn't turn out as fun as I hoped for it. My lovely boyfriend who is sitting next to me, our knees close enough that they are touching, is making his hand a fist again and again. Edward doesn't deal well with it when someone provokes him.

I place my hand on his, trying to calm him. It's not working. The muscles in his jaw are tensing. Maybe I should just call it a night and tell the others we're leaving.

Seth is being an asshole to Edward. If someone as nice as Seth is actually capable of being an ass. What the hell is wrong with him?

"So, your son is with your wife tonight?" Seth asks, lifting the bottle with light beer to his mouth. Light beer is the most disgusting stuff I ever tried to drink. Water has more taste than it.

"My ex-wife," Edward corrects him in a sharp voice, emphasizing the word ex. "And yes, Riley is with her tonight. I can't leave a three-year-old home alone."

Seth sips on the disgusting wannabe beer again. He's sitting on my other side, casually touching his arm against mine now and then. I don't like that he's trying to flirt with me when Edward is next to me. It makes him angry and makes me feel awkward.

"That sucks." Seth states. "Always having that kid in the way,"

I clasp my fingers around Edward's fist. The last thing I want to happen is that my boyfriend starts a fight inside the club. I like going to this place. The music is not completely unendurable and you can go to take a piss without getting some drunkard's hand on your cock.

"Riley is a very nice boy." I say. "I like him."

"You're saying that because of Edward." Seth whispers, shifting a bit closer to me. "I know you never wanted to have kids."

"Correction," I snap. "I never wanted to have kids with you."

I grab the glass with orange juice from the table and gulp its content down my throat. "Stop being an asshole to my boyfriend, because in the end, when it comes to choose between the two of you, it'll be him."

With that, I stand up, pulling Edward with me to the dance floor at the other end of the club. His arms wrap around me in a grip that's a bit too tight. "Fucking asshole," he mumbles. I press my lips against his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Slowly, we begin to move in the rhythm of the music. My hands glide down his back until I cup his tempting backside in them. I love the thought of having him underneath me. "Do you want to go home?" I ask, rubbing my thumb very lightly over the little dimple right above his ass. He jumps a bit. This is making him nervous, hopefully a good kind of nervous.

"Can you get our jackets?" Edward asks. "I don't want to risk my fist connecting with you ex's jaw. The little fucker wants you back."

I kiss Edward hard on the mouth. "I'm with you now." I state. Happiness floats through me. It's for the first time in my life that I'm exactly where I want to be. "I love you." I tell him. "Wait here. I'll be right back."

I walk back to our table and wave a rather unfriendly goodbye at my ex-boyfriend. Seth's sister Leah is giving me one of her Medusa stares. That woman hates everything and everyone. She hates me even more, because I broke things off with her brother. Isn't it much worse to stay with someone that you don't really love?

When I take Edward's leather jacket, a small box falls down to the floor. I lift it up again. A bit further away from the table, I can't resist the temptation to open it up and peak inside.

Crap.

It's a ring. Or no, it's two rings. Two plain white gold rings with just the initials of our names written inside them. My face pales. For a moment I have to lean back against a wall behind me to keep my balance. He's going to propose. My heart begins to pound hard in my chest. Quickly, I shove the box with the engagement rings back into Edward's jacket.

"Are you okay?" he asks me when I push the leather jacket into his arms a couple of moments later. "You look different."

"I'm fine." I croak. It's like I ruined his surprise by discovering the rings. I need to remember to act surprised when he pops the big question. "Let's go home."

In the car, it's shitty cold, even after Edward turns on the heat. I will never be a fan of the weather here. Rubbing my hands together, I watch fascinated how my boyfriend sucks his lower lip between his perfect teeth. Physically he's just sheer perfection. I can't stop looking at him.

"Are you still in for the camera project?" I ask him, swallowing back a groan. "I really like the thought of filming us."

He grins, a faint hint of blush spreading into his cheeks. "Only if we get our own camera for it,"

Twenty minutes later, I close the door to my apartment behind us, a plastic bag with a brand new Camera and equipment in my hand.

Edward pours us two glasses of wine while I try to set the camera up without taking the time to read the instructions.

"Is it working?" Edward asks, taking a sip from the wine. "Here's your wine."

I take the glass but set it on the nightstand. "I think it'll work."

"Great," Edward murmurs. "Don't you like red wine? You never drink much."

I sigh and sit down at the edge of the bed. "I had some problems with alcohol a while ago."

Edward tugs on the mess of bronze hair on his head. "You mean you had a problem with alcohol because of me."

I shake my head. But it's a stupid attempt of lying. Edward breaking up with me and marrying off that Swan chick broke me. Nobody has ever hurt me more than he has. But maybe at the same time, nobody has loved me as much as he has. Edward and I we belong together. If such a thing like destiny exists, the man in front of me is mine.

"Let's not talk about the past anymore." I say, reaching for his hand. "It's over."

He sits down next to me and leans his head against my shoulder. "I'm sorry for hurting you. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did to you."

I put his jaw between two fingers and pull his face closer to mine. "You're here with me now. I love you."

My hands glide over his throat. It only takes a couple of seconds for me to unbutton his shirt and toss it down the bed.

"Fuck me," Edward groans, lowering his hand to fumble with the belt around my hips. "I want you to fuck me,"

I kiss his lips, letting my tongue flicker over the corners of his mouth. He tastes like sweet, cheap wine and I love it. I love everything about him.

"Fuck me," he repeats again, shifting closer to me on the bed. "Please,"

My cock stirs inside my jeans. The very thought of burying myself into the hot tightness of his ass makes my dick weep in anticipation.

"No, Darlin'." I whisper huskily. "I'm not going to fuck you. I'm going to make love to you."

And that is what I do. I worship his beautiful body as if it were a temple. I kiss every inch of skin, I'm exposing until he's finally completely naked. My own clothing ends up in a messy pile next to the bed.

"You're perfect," he moans, licking the fine patch of blond hair underneath my navel. "Inside and outside,"

His warm lips close around the tip of my cock, not sucking hard enough for my liking. "More," I demand. "Take me deeper into your mouth."

My eyes blink and I shudder when I look first at the camera and then down at Edward, who's on his knees in front of me now. For a few moments I enjoy the wet heat of his mouth. I love the feeling of his tongue lapping on my hard flesh.

"Enough," I whimper eventually, "I don't want to come in your mouth tonight."

He nods and pulls the bottle with warming lube out of the nightstand. It's been a while since I topped someone. That it's going to be with Edward now, is both exciting and making me nervous at the same time.

I plant a row of kisses down his spine before I reach for the bottle with the lube. "Relax," I whisper. "We have time,"

After coating two fingers with a gracious amount of slick lube, I rub them against the crack of his ass. He moans when I touch just the fingertips against the sensitive rosette.

"Deep breaths, Darlin'," I instruct, pressing one of my fingers about an inch inside of him. "You're doing great."

I reach around him and begin to stroke his hard length while my finger inside him glides a little bit deeper. "I love you,"

Edward moans, shifting his hips a bit back against my hand. He's impatient. But if I want to make this enjoyable for him, taking our time is inevitable.

I mumble words of tenderness into his ear while I continue to stretch his tight ass as slowly as possible. My cock is throbbing by now. I can't wait to be inside him, to feel the muscles that are clenching around my fingers around my dick.

Again and again, I reach for the bottle with the lube, adding first a second and eventually a third finger to stretch him.

"I want to make love to you now." I tell Edward, knowing that I won't be able to hold back any longer. I'm split seconds away from coming all over the sheets without even being touched.

When I reach for the box with the condoms, Edward shakes his head. "No," he whispers. "I don't want anything between us."

His eyes stay on mine while he squirts a thick dollop of lube in his right hand and coats my cock with it. "Take me,"

I watch fascinated how he gets up on all fours, straightening his back. My hands grab his narrow hips. Then, I press forward, forcing first just the head of my cock into his ass.

I've never been inside someone without a condom. For the first time I actually realize what kind of difference it makes.

Edward is still so tight, even after all the stretching I've done. For a moment I force myself to remain still. I push a little deeper and wait for him to get adjusted to having my girth inside him.

"Are you okay?" I ask, surprised that I'm capable of speaking. "Does it hurt too much?"

"Keep going," he tells me, his voice shaking. "I need you to."

Inch by inch I press deeper inside him, going back and forth at a barely endurable slow pace. The moment I realize that I'm completely inside him, I almost cry. His muscles cramp and massage my cock. There is nothing around me than his heat. The sweaty skin of his back glistens as I lean above him and pound slowly inside him. My climax comes too fast. I want to drag out my time inside his precious body but the sensation is too overwhelming. Edward's breathing heavily when I pull him against my chest. The entire bedding is ruined with lube and traces of semen. I don't even have the energy to get up and change the sheets.

"I love you," Edward tells me. "I will always love you." His voice gets a little lower when he asks. "You've forgiven me, right? Because I can't live on if I you don't."

I silence him with a kiss. "We don't have to talk about it anymore."

"Yes, we do." Edward protests. "You can't imagine how guilty I've felt. Leaving you was the second hardest thing in my life I had to do."

I'm not a fan of talking after sex. After sex, I just like to lie and enjoy some silence. Edward is different when it comes to that. He obviously thinks that talking is a great idea after we made love.

"I hate Seth." Edward states. "I hate that there is truth in the things he said."

"How?" I ask, pulling a blanket over us. I need to make sure we'll spend our honeymoon at a much warmer place. "How is he right?"

"About Riley, about how, Riley will always be a priority in my life. It would be easier for you to be with someone that doesn't have a kid."

I kiss his jaw, running my tongue over the copper-colored stubble there. "If you love someone, it means loving everything about that person. Not just the parts which are easy to love."

xxxx

The next morning our breakfast gets interrupted by the buzzing of my pager. I sigh and take a quick gulp from my coffee. "I'm sorry." I tell Edward. "This is an emergency. Go back to bed and try to crash some more. I'll be back."

Alice waves her hand at me, when I enter the E.R. a bit later. "There you are. I thought you'd like to treat the boy yourself. He's being difficult with the other doctors."

A shrill scream echoes through the entire E.R. "Riley is here again?" I ask. "Why didn't you call Edward then?"

"Since when does Edward asshole have a medical degree?" Alice responds before she adds. "I tried to call him, but he's not answering his cell. Maybe his battery has died. Can we check on the boy now?"

I follow her in the examination room. Riley's chin is covered in crusted blood. Next to him in a plastic bowl is one of his front teeth. At least, it was just a milk tooth.

"Hi Riley," I greet him, while I put on some gloves. "Can you open your mouth for me?"

He whimpers when I let my fingertip glide over his gum, but doesn't cry. "H-h-hurts," he stutters. "I fell against the table in Mom's hotel room."

"I'm sorry about that." I say, reaching for the injection needle on the table. "Were you running again?"

Riley nods. I instruct him to keep his eyes closed before I let the sharp needle break through the skin in his arm. A moment later the little boy's eyes that blink back at me are glassy. "I'm tired."

"I know, Riley." I mumble. "Alice here is going to take care of you. She will give you some ice for your mouth."

He makes some comment about wanting ice-cream instead of regular ice. I chuckle and kiss his temple before I walk out.

"What is there to laugh about?" Someone snaps at me from behind. She's a bit older than the last time I've seen her. There is still the same wave of sweetly perfume surrounding her like a cloud around her body. The expression on Bella's face turns into pure hatred when she recognizes me. "Stay the hell away from my son."

I swallow back a comment about Riley being Edward's son as well. Instead I say. "I understand that you're agitated. Riley is going to be okay."

Some black make-up stuff around her eyes gets smeared into grey trails when she bursts into tears. "I have him one night and something awful like this happens. Edward is going to be mad at me."

"No, he won't. " I try to convince her. Again, her brown eyes narrow again. She doesn't like it one tiny bit that I know Edward better than she ever did. "But he'll be worried."

I decide that I'm going to love Alice for the rest of my life, when she calls Edward's hysterical ex to be with her while she washes the blood of the boy's chin. She's talking to her in a soft voice that somehow actually manages to calm Bella down.

I make it to my office, knees trembling, as if I just ran some marathon. It takes me a full minute of taking deep, controlled breaths until I'm able to reach for my phone and call my boyfriend.

"We have to keep Riley here over night." I tell Edward when he arrives. "But it's nothing too bad."

He shakes his head, like he doesn't believe me. "He had to go to the hospital again. How can that be not that bad? Where the hell is Isabella? She was supposed to watch him."

I barely manage to convince him, following me into my office before we head to meet his ex-wife.

"It was an accident."

"Riley has too many accidents. I shouldn't have let someone else watch him."

I grab Edward's shoulder. "You can't protect him twenty-four hours a day. Riley is a lively boy. He's going to hurt himself a lot more before he learns to know better."

Edward sighs, his forehead crinkling in frustration. "It's good you're a doctor."

"Maybe," I mumble. "I shouldn't treat him anymore though. It's wrong. You're my boyfriend."

Edward nods. Both of us know it's not going to be easy to convince the boy about letting another doctor than I treat his battle wounds.

When we enter Riley's room a couple of minutes later his mother is sitting on the edge of his bed, stroking her son's hair.

"I'm sorry." She whispers. "It happened so fast."

"He knows that he can't run inside the house." Edward tells her before he sits down at the other side of the bed. He presses a kiss against Riley's hair that resembles his own so much.

Suddenly, I feel like an intruder. The three of them look so perfect together. It's a painful thought. Like bitter acid it cramps around my heart, knocking the breath out of me.

"I'll be in my office in case you need me." I mumble, rushing out of the room before I do something embarrassing. Something as embarrassing like bursting into tears.

When I manage to make it inside the elevator, I feel Edward behind me. His arms tighten around me with too much force. "Never do that again,"

"Never do what again?" I ask, pressing the button to the second floor with the back of my hand.

"Walk out on me like you're not coming back. I'm sorry. You said you forgive me. I can't change the past. I can't change that Isabella is part of my past."

"I know," I whisper, turning around to kiss my boyfriend's mouth very gently. "None of us can change the past."

"I'm with you. I love you." Edward states. "You and Riley are the two most important people in my life."

And it is in right this moment that I realize I love Riley too. I love him because it's him who brings out the very best in my Edward. He's like a smaller version of him, a version that one can't help but just love.

Swiftly, I press the stop button, making the elevator stop its movement. Then, I sink down on my knees. Edward's eyes widen.

"You don't have to do this." He whispers nervously.

"I don't have to do a lot of things, Edward." I tell him. "I didn't need to let you back into my life. I didn't need to forgive you." I take both of his hands to kiss his knuckles.

"But the truth is that I would never be able to forget you. My love for you is inked into my brain." My fingertips caress the tattoo on his forearm.

"I will love for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?" The last words come out in a tear-choked voice. I feel his lips against mine a moment later. "Yes," he breathes against my mouth. "Yes, yes, yes."

His left hand reaches for his pocket. I blink through tears when he pulls out the box with the rings. "I wanted to ask you on your birthday."

"That's too long." I whisper, my hand shaking when Edward slides one of the rings down my finger. "You've kept me waiting far too long."

"I'm sorry, doctor Whitlock." He mumbles before he sinks down on his knees. I close my eyes and don't open them again until I release in thick spurts down his throat a few minutes later.

xxxx

Love makes you capable of dealing with a lot of things. It makes you accept your fiancé's annoying wife coming to visit her son monthly now. It makes you support said fiancé when he decides to quit his job because his boss is a homophobic bastard. It makes you not kill your best friend because she takes over the control of planning your wedding without even being asked to do it.

"This wedding is going to be perfect." Alice tells me every day when she hands me another bill to scrawl my signature underneath. I've tried to convince her to slow down. Edward and I have agreed on a small ceremony. The wedding is supposed to be about us, not the whole unnecessary stuff around it.

"You're okay with me choosing purple as the main color, aren't you?" my personal wedding monster informs me. "I was going for pink but that looks awful with Edward's hair color."

"I like Edward's hair the way it is. Please, don't tell me, you've bought some more decoration. We don't have any more money left."

"You're budget wouldn't be so tight, if asshole hadn't quit his job."

I inhale sharply through my teeth. If it would be anyone else speaking about Edward like that, the person surely would be in trouble now.

"I asked him to quit his job." I lie. "With my shitty hours here in the hospital, it's better when he stays home with the boy."

Alice hands me a bill that has the word ice-sculpture and two-hundred dollars written on it. I shake my head. "If we don't have money to send Riley to college, it's on you."

She laughs, promising me to make sure, we manage to stay in the budget I've given her three months ago. Maybe I should have just taken Edward to Vegas to marry him inside one of those corny plastic chapels.

The Saturday of this week, it's finally the day of the wedding. I'm having trouble to adjust the purple colored tie around my throat. My hands are trembling. I'm a nervous mess. In just a couple of minutes my boyfriend is going to be Edward Anthony Whitlock. It's just a name but it makes me feel like now Edward is irrevocably mine. A knock on the door makes me turn around, tossing the unwilling silk material of the tie aside.

"Come in," I call, trying to arrange the collar of my shirt so that I can wear it without the tie. No, that doesn't look right.

Riley's copper head peaks in. "Can you help me?" he asks waving with a smaller tie. It's one of those that you can just clip on. Maybe I should have gotten one like that too.

"My jacket is itchy." He complains. "But Alice says I need to wear it."

I kneel down and adjust the tiny lilac tie on his shirt. "You can take it off after the ceremony. Where's your Dad?"

"He's talking to Grandma. Nana is crying. Maybe we should let her carry the rings."

"No," I state. "That's your job, remember? You still have the rings, right?"

He nods eagerly before he pulls the little velvet box out of his pocket. Edward has instructed him to guard it with his life. The result was that Riley has slept with the box underneath his pillow for the last week. I like the way the simple mind of the little boy is so very accepting of the fact that Edward and I are a couple. He has told every child at his kindergarten proudly that his Daddy is going to marry his boyfriend. This is the reason why I love Edward's son like he actually were ours.

"You're done. Go back to your Daddy now. I'll meet you in few minutes.

These few minutes feel like an eternity to me. My mouth is dry, unlike my eyes. I'm having trouble to hold back the tears. I peak through the slightly ajar door to the room where Edward is already waiting. His mother is sitting next to Rosie and Mom in the first row. It means so much to him that she decided to came here today, even when her husband tried to talk her out of it.

My heart flutters. I try to shake off the feeling of panic. It would have been easier to marry Edward without that many people being present at it. I'm nervous. I don't want to mess this up. When I stumble on my way down the aisle or I'll get a crying fit during my vows it will be so embarrassing. I check the time on my watch. Seconds used to be longer, didn't they?

Straightening my back, I open up the door, unable to focus on anything else than Edward's face at the end of the aisle. My feet move forward, bringing me closer to the man I love so much it hurts sometimes.

Courage means being afraid but going on anyway.


End file.
